SOOO.. it’s happening, I’m getting a divorce and yes. I AM BLOGGING ABOUT IT. I am not blasting it all over social media.. I write about it in my own personal diary, as most should. On MY blog. I am allowed to do this, right? (insert eye roll).
I do have a question: Why is it that when you tell people that you’re getting a divorce, they say “sorry”? Don’t be sorry. You should say, “Good for you. If it wasn’t working, you’re strong enough to rip the bandaid off”. OR “I hope you both are ok and are doing what’s best for the children”.
SO, what happened? It just wasn’t working. We lost our connection a long time ago, mainly after Johnny was born. I was postpartum, as most women are after they gained a ton of weight and have a baby that is now an alarm clock going off every hour making you feel like a walking MOMBIE. Thankfully, breastfeeding came naturally to me but then I started to feel like a mombie cow. BUT, losing the weight did not come naturally. To everyone who says that you lose weight when you breastfeed… not everyone does! I could not get the weight off and felt hungrier than ever.
Fast forward… I started to lose weight, feeling a little better about myself but SEX. We never had sex. I don’t blame him fully. I pushed him away because I didn’t feel like me, I didn’t feel sexy, I didn’t feel appreciated. So, I did push him away and away he went. He never tried again, he never made me feel like ME. He made me feel like a roommate and I made him feel the same way. I guess we were both to blame, but I just wished he gave me what I needed without me having to say it.
At this point, we were living together, sleeping in the same bed but not even touching. When we spoke about it during one our “fights” he would tell me “he tried”. If he did? I wouldn’t have known. He didn’t speak my Love Language. We tried counseling, it didn’t work. I don’t think he fully understood me, my needs, my wants. We moved in together, got married and had a baby all within 2 years. He was never in a serious relationship before me and that played a huge part in our marriage. He was very dependent on me for his happiness, his needs. He was also very depended upon his mother and sister, they call themselves “the tripod”. Another downfall of our marriage: Them. Not entirely their fault either. He allowed them into our marriage, told them about every single fight, vented to them about ME and he even told them about us not having sex! WHO does that?! They are his best friends and so (especially his mother) held a lot over my head. I felt like I could never do anything right. I felt like I was always criticized, always looked at for every single thing I did, always judged. ANYTHING I did was seen as “wrong”. During our marriage, I would tell him how I felt like I was 3rd on the “pedestal”. His mother came first, then his sister and then me. A lot of fights came from that, a lot of resentment and a lot of brushing it under the rug.
Breaking point: September 2019. After years of feeling unloved, under appreciated, judged and not enough, I had it. I was going out with my girlfriends for a girls night and he broke down crying. He had lost his job in August and I stood by him, I supported him. I picked him up when he fell down and looked for a job (I was a stay at home mom for 3.5 years) and I never once made him feel like he wasn’t “a man” for losing his job. And that night, he decided to be upset, which has happened 3 other times in our marriage as well . Whenever I would say that I was going out with friends (which was RARE, once in a blue moon), he would either start a fight with me or do something to set me off. He doesn’t have as many friends as I do. Like I had said, it was always the “tripod”. But that night, It just hit me and I had enough. I was emotionally drained. We started fighting, I asked him to leave because our son was there, listening to it all. I don’t like fighting in front of our children and so I told him to go to his mothers. And he did. She welcomed him with open arms, made all his favorite food and bought him a laptop. That was Friday. On Saturday, he went to his family party as planned and apparently acted like nothing was wrong. When people asked where I was – it was told that we couldn’t find a sitter so I had to stay home. LIES. Cover-ups. I could be judged by them but to everyone else? We were perfect.
Social Media is an illusion. We all could post family pictures, happy pictures with significant others but sometimes, behind the smiles there is an illusion of what we want you to see. I was broken, unhappy and felt completely defeated. You don’t see that in the pictures I posted.
I tried to make it work after that. I tried making Tiktoks with him, which were fun at first but then became a chore. I found The Five Love Languages; only to come to find out that his mother actually had the book and never gave him/us the tools to fix “us”. He wanted to make it work too but I needed him to make me feel like I’m his wife. I come first. It’s just US in our marriage, not his mother and sister. He understood. But his mother did not. In January 2020, his mother called me and said things that I would never say to another women. She tore me down. I was told how she doesnt think that I should be with her son, that I’m only with him because I can’t raise MY KIDS without him and that I am not good enough for her son. There were many other things said, I listened to her and emotionally broke. I came to him crying and instead of hearing: “That was wrong, how dare her, noone should ever speak to you like that…” I got: “I’m going to call her to see what she says”. He didn’t believe me. He called her to verify my story. He didn’t defend me. He told me, “Well you know, my mom is very opinionated. That’s just who she is”. I slowly broke even more and he turned a blind eye. He still spoke to her several times a day like she didn’t just rip me apart. Like nothing was wrong. But everything was WRONG. We now fought over THAT. When he finally did say something to her (months later and after being stuck in quarantine) she gave him the silent treatment. THE SILENT TREATMENT. Control. That’s what she always had over him. I wasn’t going to ever win. Our relationship was never going to ever come first.
AND SO, I ripped the bandaid off.
I went back to teaching Special Education in a COVID world. It has been hard. It’s a completely different environment for the children and teachers. I would come home crying every night and I had no support from him. He would go to bed at 7:00PM while I stayed up and planned for the next day, emotionally and physically drained. It was then that I really realized that we were over.
Ripping the bandaid off felt like I was now able to take a breathe. Like ripping the bra off at the end of the day OR ripping that mask off in the car! But, I am okay. I am strong. I can do this. I know how to be on my own and I know who I am. I lost myself for a long time. I acted out, I was angry, I was on an emotional rollercoaster that wasn’t stopping. I made it stop. I was broken for a long time and I have been slowly picking the pieces back up. I am ME, no one can judge me but ME.
As for ME doing ME: I will continue to do just that. I now know exactly what I want in life. I want a happy, joyful, adventurous, fulfilling life. I want to raise my boys to know love, how to love and to be loved.
Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own. I am strong. I am worth it. I am perfectly imperfect.